Repressed Memory
by Shoshanna33
Summary: Before Severus Snape died, he gave Harry some of his memories. They were things he wanted Harry to know and learn about him. But there was one memory he didn't give him. A memory he buried so deep because he felt so foolish, that he would never share it with anyone. This is that memory. Set sometime before Snape asked Dumbledore to help him.


**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters here. They belong to JK Rowling and company. I merely borrow them for my own amusement and wish fulfillment. No copyright infringement intended.

 **Summary:** Before Severus Snape died, he gave Harry a set of memories to take with him. He had things he wanted Harry to realize and know. But there was _one_ memory he didn't share with anyone…Set sometime before Snape asked Dumbledore for help.

 **Repressed Memory**

Severus Snape walked across the grass and down the small hill, uncertain if she would actually come as he requested. But when he neared his old favorite childhood tree, he saw her bright red hair shining in the sun. She was waiting at the base of the tree, and she looked impatient and agitated. Her arms were crossed and she was pacing around, and then he made his presence known to her.

"You actually came," he said softly, unable to look her in the eyes.

"You said it was a matter of life and death. Honestly, I can't even believe you'd dare owl me. We aren't friends anymore, you realize? We haven't been for a long time," she answered sharply, while giving him a disapproving look.

"I am painfully aware of that fact. But this _really_ is life or death. _Your_ life or death. You have to listen to me," he begged of her.

"Why? Why should I listen to you? I know who you work for. We're enemies now. Why would I believe anything you tell me?" she asked, growing more impatient, as she wondered why she even came.

James would strangle her if he knew she was meeting with Severus Snape, a known Death Eater. She knew it could have been a terrible trap, and she still wasn't entirely convinced it wasn't. But something about the urgency in her former childhood friends letter, compelled her to meet with him, despite her better judgment.

"Lily, please listen to me. I'm not lying to you. I know that you don't trust me, and that's my fault. But I swear that I'm here as your friend today. You are in danger," he warned her, pleading for her to believe him.

"Danger? I'm always in danger, Severus," she said with a sigh.

"Yes, but this time you are a direct target. The Dark Lord is coming for you and your family. You're not safe. He _will_ kill you. All of you," he said gravely.

Her face turned puzzled and her brow wrinkled with worry.

"Why would he be coming for us specifically? What did we do?" she asked with confusion.

"It's not what you did. They're after your child. But he will kill you to get to him," he told her.

"My child? He wants to kill _Harry_? A little baby? Why on earth would he do that?" she shook her head.

"It's a very long story, but your son is special. The Dark Lord fears him, and what he'll grow to be. So he wishes to eliminate him now before he can be a threat," he explained.

"Voldemort fears Harry? He's a baby! I don't understand. How would he know what he'll grow to be? You're not making sense. None of this is," she said disbelieving.

"You just have to trust me. You're not safe. He will come. Which is why I want to help you. Come with me. I'll take you away to where it's safe and he'll never find us," he told her, as he walked over closer and looked her in the eyes.

"What? Go with you? I'm not going anywhere with you. You're a Death Eater. For all I know, you'll take me right to him. This was a mistake. I'm leaving," she said, as she turned on her heel and started to walk away.

Snape grabbed her arm and whirled her around to face him.

"Please, don't leave. Not yet. I don't want to work for him anymore. I'm done. I promise you that. I have no allegiance to him anymore. And if you come with me, I'll keep you safe," he implored her desperately.

"Let go of my arm," she said sternly, and he released his grip immediately and stepped back slightly. "Even if what you say is true, I'm not leaving with you. You mean for me to leave my husband and my baby and just run off with you? That's mental, Severus."

"You can bring the boy with you. We'll raise him. He'd never have to know otherwise. I'll protect you both," he informed her.

"Are you mad? If I'm in danger like you say, James is more than capable of protecting us. We don't need you," she said haughtily.

"James. You really think _he_ can keep you safe? He doesn't even know a fraction of the magic I know. Plus I know where to hide. He doesn't know anything," Snape hissed bitterly.

"My husband is quite capable. And I can't believe you honestly think I would leave _him_ and raise my son with _you_. It's ludicrous. I don't even like you anymore. You saw to that. Calling me names, joining the Death Eaters. Do you really think I still hold affection for you?" she asked with her own bitterness.

He looked down at his hands sadly and he realized everything she said was true. He had done terrible things, and she didn't have any affection for him now. It had been many years since she was on his side. Many years since they were friends. But he never stopped loving her. Ever. And knowing that she could be killed at any moment was ripping his heart to pieces. Especially since she was refusing his help. He didn't know how to convince her or how to apologize.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I know I ruined everything. But I love you," he admitted, trying not to lose control of his emotions in front of her.

" _Love_ me? I'm not even sure you know what love really is," she said sadly, shaking her head.

He looked at her with dark angered eyes.

"You think I don't know of love? I _know_ love. I know what it's like to put someone before everything else and to be willing to sacrifice anything for them. I've made mistakes, and I've not been a very good man, but my heart still loves. Just not wisely. But do not _ever_ tell me I know nothing of love. It's the only reason I'm here right now. You realize if he knew I was with you, he'd kill me? I'm risking _my_ life to save _yours_. Did you even consider that?" he asked heatedly.

Lily looked at the ground and kicked the grass absently.

"I'm sorry I said that. I'm sure you do know what love is. But Severus, _I'm_ not the one you should love. I'm married. If you're serious about being done serving Voldemort, then be done with it. Run away yourself and start anew. Find someone else. Be happy. But you and I are never going to be together like that. You must know that," she told him uncomfortably.

He just looked at her for a moment and said nothing. He could feel tears pricking his eyes, but he would never let them fall. Not in front of her.

"I would be a good father to him. Even if he's not mine. And I could love enough for the both of us. At least you'd be safe," he said glancing back down at the ground.

"I'm sorry. But I don't want to go anywhere. And I appreciate the warning, and rest assured, we'll be vigilant and we'll be safe. But you have to understand that I already have a husband and father to my child. We're not yours, Severus. We never will be," she said as gently as she could.

But the words still stung and Snape could feel his heart actually twisting in a knot. He knew this was an extreme measure and a long shot, but he thought perhaps if he promised her protection and to love her child, she'd agree. But perhaps she _was_ right. He _didn't_ know how love worked. _He_ loved _her_ , but she would never love him, no matter what he promised or gave her. Love wasn't about what you could give, or even how deeply you felt. It was about two people wanting to share their lives together. And Lily did not want this with him. He had been a fool to even suggest it, and he realized that now. But he had been desperate.

"I really have to go," she told him, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"He won't be able to protect you," he whispered sadly.

"We'll be fine. I promise. And thank you," she said softly nodding her head.

"You'll die and there's nothing else I can do," he muttered.

"Hush. I won't die. You have my word," she assured him, as she walked over and gently touched his saddened face. "If I promise that I won't die, then you need to promise me you'll actually leave that horrid organization and turn over a new leaf and start over someplace safe."

"Lily…" he started, but didn't know how to finish.

"Shh, just promise me that," she whispered as she leaned up and kissed his forehead gently.

"I promise," he nodded gently.

"Good. Now don't worry about me," she gave him a small smile.

"How can I not worry?" he asked unhappily.

"Because you're not the only one who loves me. I'll be protected," she assured him.

"He _will_ find you," he said gravely.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Of course," he nodded.

"Then you keep your promise, and I swear I'll keep mine. Now I really have to go," she told him, as she backed away from him. She turned to go, then swung back around. "I know that we haven't been friends, for good reason. But just so you know, I never stopped caring or thinking of you. You'll always be the first real friend I ever had. The first real friend who was like me. I won't ever forget you."

"I won't forget you either," he admitted softly.

"Goodbye Severus," she smiled at him.

"Goodbye Lily," he said grimly.

She walked slowly up the hill and disapparated. He watched her disappear and he knew in the pit of his stomach, that this would probably be the last time he ever saw her. And not because _he_ was going to run, but because he knew _she_ was going to die. Unless he could find some other way to protect her, she _was_ going to die. He fell to his knees and began to weep at his failure to spirit her to safety. She was too stubborn and too trusting in that man she married. Snape knew James would _try_ and protect her, but he'd fail. Lord Voldemort would never give up until they were all dead. Snape knew that much. He had to find some other way. He had to do something else. If she didn't love him and want him to save her, he'd have to find another way. He felt so foolish for ever believing she'd run off with him. It had been a completely desperate move. Even offering to parent her son. It was ridiculous. He realized that now. But his stupid heart had taken control of his brain. He would do absolutely _anything_ to keep Lily safe, even if it meant raising his biggest enemy's son as his own. But that wasn't an option she was willing to try. And deep down, he knew that going in. He'd merely thrown out the only idea he had at the time, but it _was_ ludicrous, just as she said it was. It was time to do something even more drastic than beg Lily to run away with him. It was time to go to the one person who might be able to help where he couldn't. But he knew it would come with a price. But he was willing to pay it. He'd do anything. It was time to fall on his sword and speak to Dumbledore. It was his last and only hope to save the woman he loved. He just prayed that it would work.

Fade to Black…


End file.
